Don Miguel Grandito Bean & Cheese Burrito

Price: $1.99 plus tax

Total calories: 520

Look: Like any burrito, albeit a bit more transparent than normal

Smell: Like any old bean and cheese burrito


Experience


I feel really bad about getting to this one before writing about another gas station burrito brand around here called The Bomb, because I did nothing but compare the two the whole time I ate this.

Disappointment is all that awaits you.

I was really disappointed in this burrito, not because it was bad . . . quite the contrary. It was far better than I expected it would be, and that sucks! There's only one reason why anyone would eat a gas station burrito: to put oneself through the ecstatic pain of eating something that should not exist. This disgustingly acceptable item, however, was far, far too tame to fit the bill.

Sure, the burrito stuck to the wrapper after heating so that I had to use scissors to get it out; and sure, it had that oh-so encouraging sheen that denotes something that's probably not OK for consumption; but it didn't stink, it didn't ooze, and it didn't even leave grease on my plate!

The strongest flavor in this sorry excuse for a gas station burrito was, get this, beans. Sometimes I got a hint of cheese or spice, but, for the most part, it was actually kind of bland. Unsurprising for something so pedestrian.


Would I recommend it?


Sure. If you have no respect for the sacred.

Monster Rehab Green Tea + Energy

Price: $2.29 plus tax

Total Calories: 20

Look: Like an iced green tea

Smell: Like sweetened ice tea that may or may not be made with green tea leaves

Fizziness: None

Experience

I normally really like Monster energy drinks, but this was sadly not one of the good ones. I was expecting it to taste weird, but in that familiar Monster way of weirdness. This drink, however, was very off.

How it looks outside of the can

The best way I can describe the taste is that it's like a regular Monster and some generic sweetened green tea had a baby which they fed on an exclusive diet of blue Pixie Stix. It tasted too much like a Monster to be like tea but it was too much like tea to be like a Monster. It also had some kind of weird candy taste that kept coming and going, hence the Pixie Stix comment. It didn't taste like any sort of candy in particular, but I figured Pixie Stix would give the best image of that pseudo-fruity tang.

One more thing I have to say about this drink is that, even though the second ingredient on the list was glucose, it definitely tasted like a diet drink. It had that same aspartame sweetness that sticks with you long after you've placed it next to all of the other empty soda cans on your desk.

Would I recommend it?

No. It wasn't terrible, but two and a half dollars is way too much money to spend on something so questionable.

Introduction

Among all the things available in this world to make a person happy, one of my absolute favorites is the gas station.

I love everything about them: the availability, the price, the atmosphere, and the weird culinary garbage that always seems to pop up in them.

Because telling my friends directly about my gas station exploits can get to be pretty tedious, I've decided to make this blog to tell the world about what one strange guy thinks about all of the weird stuff you see at gas stations but were never brave (or stupid) enough to try.